Finally Friday

I can not wait to go home next weekend. It will be very nice. Plus I get to see Nicholas and I can not wait. I subbed at Sheridan today for a class I've had before; the kids were wound up but a lot of fun. Yesterday I was in the day care at North East, subbing. That was interesting, to say the least.

"I understand and I am not angry. You did what you had to do and what was right for you and I can never fault you for that. It doesn't mean I don't miss you, but I do understand."

I had that posted on Facebook but I am posting it here instead. I am fairly certain it was misinterpreted, thought to be intended for one person when it was actually meant for someone else. I see how it happened, but whatevs, not really my deal. I guess I should have added the word 'now'. But anyway...

...One of my closest friends died in high school, two months shy of graduation. He and his girlfriend decided that their hurt was too great for them to deal with any more, so after school one day they went out and shot themselves in his car. I didn't understand then, but I do now. There are a few reasons as to why I've come to terms with this and it has taken a very long time, but I think I am finally okay. Part of the reason it took so long was because I just didn't get it. We were young, we pretty much could do whatever we wanted, the sky was the limit, but it wasn't that way for Joe. All he saw was how miserable his girlfriend was, and her misery made everything worse for him because she was the one thing that could still actually make him smile. Last week put a lot into perspective and I finally do get it. They never did this to hurt us, and it wasn't something entirely selfish. I spent a long time being angry at him, and I guess over time I was not so much angry anymore as I was just...I don't know, irritated isn't the right word, nor is annoyed. I wasn't confused, I just had a lot of questions I didn't have the answers for. I still don't have all the answers I would like and I know I never will, but at least I have a better understanding. I am definitely not angry at him anymore, and I miss him still, but over time it has eased so much. It's not any easier to deal with, especially when you see people you know going through the same thing you've already dealt with once before, but at least you know what you're in for. I hope I never have to experience it again. That may be selfish, but Joe's death was probably one of the toughest things I've ever had to deal with in my life. I don't feel guilty anymore, I know there's nothing I could have said or done, I know not even Eric knew what was going on inside Joe's head, I know none of us could have stopped them so there's no point in feeling guilt. At the time I was just looking for someone to blame because it made it easier I guess, but you know, life happens and death does too. It sucks and it's hard, but everyone has to go through it at some point and I have finally come to terms with that. But I still miss him every day.

Whew.

Glad that is done.

I am subbing all next week for Becky at Park. I have 8th graders first thing in the morning and they are so grr sometimes. 8th graders need attitude adjustments in the worst way and this is the only class of hers I have that I don't particularly care for. Five days, it is just five days.

Have a good weekend everyone.

Tobes, I don't know why you couldn't post on my blog, but try it again, Blogger might be done being stupid now.